Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Is it indecent exposure when no one sees?

No, this is not an existential question like “If a tree falls…"

A teacher in Hamilton, Michigan has been arrested for indecent exposure. The only problem is that no one saw him do it. (This is when the stupid causes my head to hurt.)

So, here’s the story in a nutshell. Janitor finds tissue in the teacher’s garbage bin. Janitor then SNIFFS said tissue. (This is when my brain explodes from the stupid.) The janitor decides that it smells like semen. He presumably tells the principal who then sees fit to phone the police. Teacher is arrested for indecent exposure because he had a tissue that smelled like semen in his trash can. I really don’t know what to make of this, as I thought someone had to see in order for indecent exposure to have taken place. But that doesn’t stop me from imagining the scene.

Here’s how I see it going down:

In my mind, the janitor is this old guy with a vendetta against all things liberal or artsy. Some extreme grouch form of William Conrad or maybe even a bit like Charlton Heston. Right, so here he is, in the music classroom, and he has a score to settle. So, he’s eyeing the place, right? Looking for anything to take this man down. And there’s something in the trash can. A tissue!! He should probably inspect that tissue very closely. So he gives it a good sniff and what do you know? SEMEN. By jebus, he has that teacher now. So he rushes to the principal’s office and struts in, all important and accomplished. He dramatically throws the tissue on the desk and says “AHA! He’s been masturbating!”

What an idiot.

But then a friend helps me imagine another part, later in the story. The cross-examination of the janitor by the defense attorney. Oh the fun I could have with him if I were the defense attorney:”Would you say you smell semen soaked tissues on a daily basis?”

“Do you sniff every tissue in every waste basket? Or did you just single out Mr. Teacher’s waste basket?”

“How many hours a day would you say you spend sniffing tissues on your hunt for semen?”

“How, exactly, did you become such an expert on the smell of semen?"

I shall be interested to see how this turns out. And if anyone knows anything about indecent exposure in Michigan, please enlighten me.

I wonder what this teacher did to piss off the administrators of the school…

Hat tip to Robert for being the defense attorney.

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